See Ya When I see Ya
by lil hummingbird
Summary: "I'm sorry that I pushed you away. That I wasn't strong enough and that I didn't fight harder. Letting you go will be the biggest mistake I will ever make." O/S about regrets and saying the things you should have said to late. Damon/Elena


**So this O/S was actually a short story I submitted for short fiction contest that sadly I did not win. Hey, their loss is your gain, right? I obviously did a lil tweaking to fit Vampire Diaries. Wait, did she say Vampire Diaries? I did indeed. Hopefully you'll still read it even though it's not Twilight. It just seemed to fit Damon and Elena. Yes, I am Team Damon. Can you blame me, look at the man!**

**Special thanks as always to JRDurham and bff Kimmie. Couldn't do what I do without these ladies.**

**Hope you enjoy! Oh, and I don't own TVD. **

**See Ya, When I See Ya**

I sat staring at the screen for what seemed like hours. I tilt my head up to look at the clock. Its big cat eyes ticking back and forth to the beat, taunting me._ It's all your fault_, it says_. _I turned my head and grabbed the now, half empty bottle of Jack Daniels. I take a couple more swigs.

Wow, drinking straight from the bottle, I thought to myself. Classy. Journey to becoming an alcoholic? Nah, I'm just putting to use the time management skills I picked up in last month's, _Cutting out the Clutter- Easy Steps to Managing your Time. _ You know, forgoing the glass means less dishes, less dishes means more time to wallow in my own self-pity. Wearing the same clothes for days so laundry doesn't pile up. If that's not cutting out the clutter, I don't know what is.

Snapping out of my inner monologue, I turn my attention back to my laptop which contains the words that are now permanently seared into my memory.

_Hey Now,_

_I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you today. In fact, I haven't been able to get you out of my head. I even tried listening to all the most annoying; 'get stuck inside your head for days songs', to get myself to stop thinking about you for even just a moment. As you may have guessed, it didn't work. _

_What is it with hearts and heads not being on the same page? I find that one of the most frustrating things in life is when the rational brain is at constant odds with the irrational heart. It can make life very exhausting. My head knows that being the master of my own happiness and not being solely dependent on someone else to provide it for you is the path that should be taken. The sadist demon that is my heart however has chosen the path of relying on another person to provide happiness. A person that can, POOF, disappear at any moment taking your happiness with them, leaving behind a sad pathetic shell of a person. _

_You know, it makes me hate you and myself. Knowing that you somehow managed to worm your way in and that I let you. It most certainly was not the plan. I have realized the part of the problem is I never got to say all the things I wanted to say to you and now they are slowly eating away at me. Not that you didn't give me an allotted rebuttal period because you did. Why did you? Did you want me to change your mind? If I said the right thing, would it have made any difference? _

_The problem with that theory is when I'm with you face to face I can't. I can't say to you any of the things that are floating around in my brain. Express all the emotions that are jammed into the space that is now yours in my heart. I start to speak and then you look at me. That look starts off a chain reaction of thoughts: "What if he laughs at me because this is all some elaborate joke?" "What if he is lying to me and he really doesn't feel the same? What if he's just using me?" "What if he accepts everything and then turns around shattering me into a million pieces?" "What if he says it back and means it?" "Who are you kidding, you're not good enough for him and you will just end up hurting him." A lump emerges in my throat; my heart starts to feel like it is strangling itself, and my anxiety level shoots up to code red. So instead I do one of three things: crack a joke, make a smartass remark, do nothing at all. In essence I turn into a giant vagina. So, I decided that writing it down might help. I won't have to see your reaction. It's safer this way. _

_The secret smile that I've only ever seen you give to me, that's my favorite. I miss your face, a lot. I miss your smell on me. I miss your piercing blue eyes that feel like they can see into my soul. I miss the way you hold me. I miss the way you make me feel, that nervous excited feeling, yet completely at ease. I even miss that cocky attitude of yours. Really, I just miss… you._

_Right now my heart is aching and it's hard to breath. I don't like this feeling and frankly I want it to stop. My heart is screaming, "Just call him. Send a text. Tell him you miss him and you're sorry. That you need him to get through this crazy thing you call a life. Let him know he makes the pain go away, he always does. Usually he's the only one who can. You wanna know what makes you happy, he does. You're still trying to master that making yourself happy crap. Fix this." _

_I'm not an easy person to love, I know that. Clearly just by looking at my stats, people generally don't stick around. I've let very few people in and the ones I have left pretty deep scars. I knew from the moment I realized you were in it was gonna be rough. I figured I've gotten over loss before I can do it again. Turns out losing you was harder than I expected. _

_Before you said anything that night, I could tell just by looking into your eyes that this was it, this was the end. I tried to quickly build that fortress, the one you so masterfully infiltrated, back around my heart. Then you said that you couldn't do this anymore and my heart broke into a million pieces. Clearly the rebuild had failed. It sorta felt like someone came up and sucker punched me in the gut while __at the__ jamming their other fist through my chest and yanking out the little tiny heart pieces. I wanted to beg and plead for you to change your mind. Convince you that I was worth it. In the end though, all I could do was nod and say I'm sorry. Tell you that I understood and was honestly expecting this to happen. _

_Please don't mistake this email as a plea to win you back, or worse, to make you feel bad in anyway. I wrote this partly, as I said before, to purge some of these feelings. I also wanted to say thank you. I know you meant it when you said you loved me. I always wanted to know what it was like to truly love someone and to be loved back. Now I know. _

_Thank you for taking yourself and my perceived happiness away. You made me realize that I am the only one in control of my own happiness. I cannot rely on others to do something that only I can do. How can I possibly make anyone else happy if I can't make myself happy first? I always prided myself on being independent and being able to take care of myself, you helped me realize I really haven't been doing that at all. I have been relying on you. I need to change that. I've told you before that you saved me, my knight in shining armor. Now it's time to save myself. _

_I'm leaving tomorrow, on a jet plane…Not really a jet plane, more like my car. I don't know exactly where I'm going. All I know is, I need to find myself again, become whole. My own Eat, Pray, Love journey I suppose. Minus the praying…well maybe some praying, I'm still on the fence about that. I don't know how long it will take or if I will ever come back. Just know that you mean more to me than any words I can say or write. You are an amazing person and all I want is for you to be happy. You were my first love Damon and you'll be my last love. _

_See ya when I see ya,_

_E_

I sat back in the chair and closed my eyes. Elena's last words still echoing in my mind. How do I move on and be happy knowing that I caused her to be on that road. If I wouldn't have been so scared... If I would have just fought a little harder… She wouldn't have gone. She would still be safe. Not driving at night so some drunk asshole could cross the line.

"Really, when the last time you showered? Drinking out of the bottle, that's classy." I looked up and Elena was there sitting on top of my desk. This is normal right, seeing a dead loved one? I chuckled, I see dead people, maybe I'm dead too.

"You're not dead, I'm dead. Sucks doesn't it?" She laughed at me. "Don't you think though, today of all days, you could pull yourself together Damon? I deserve that, I think." She cocked her head to the side and gave me that little smile she always gave me when she wanted me to do something.

"You're right, I could take a break from the self-loathing. But only because it's for you." She smiled brightly and then just like she came, she was gone again.

* * *

I look out at the small gathering of people who have come to mourn. Some of the faces are stoic, hiding the emotions bubbling just underneath the surface. Others are shaking in grief, tears staining their faces. She wouldn't want people crying, she hated when she was the reason for someone's pain. If she was here, she would say something funny to get people to laugh. She could always do that, it was her gift. Me, I'm usually at a loss for words. I prefer to be the strong silent type. Today though, today I have to be different…for her.

After everyone left I stood by her grave, alone, slightly crying. Before this happened, I couldn't even tell you when the last time I cried was.

"You have me crying again". I say to her.

" I suppose it was fitting that you would be the one to make me cry after all this time. You were always making me feels things I had never felt before; like love. I always thought I knew what love was and what it felt like then you came along. I always thought I knew what pain and anger felt like too. But you proved me wrong again. No one ever made me so mad one second then in an instant turn me on. No one ever _hurt me_ like you did. I hated that you had so much power over me and I could never figure out why."

"Why… because I love you. " I choked back a sob. "I'm sorry that I pushed you away Lena. That I wasn't strong enough and that I didn't fight harder. Letting you go will be the biggest mistake I will ever make." I knelt down and put the lily I've been holding in the flower holder. I run my fingers over the raised letters of her name.

"I will see ya when I see ya." I cool breeze picks up and pricks my cheeks. I take one last look at the hole in the wall she calls a home now and will myself to walk away.

****A/N**

**So whatcha think? Did it make you cry? It made me shed a tear or two while writing. Pulled on those damn heartstrings. Please review and let me know what you think.**

**XOZO**

**HB**


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